Sooooooo

I'm beginning to understand, with understanding, why this season has been so trying, stretching, frustrating, and sometimes angering. I've been asking God for a long time to bring testing into my life, not out of vanity, but because like every young man growing up, we need that to build our character and our confidence. There have been alot of situations mainly at work where I have felt hung out to dry, taken advantage of, used by people, etc. It doesn't help that getting up at 5 every morning and driving 45 miles gets tiring. So my rest is sporadic, and my appetite was going downhill because I had a month-long affair with dipping snuff. I liked it, and wouldn't mind trying it occasionally still, but it was killing my appetite and running me ragged.
I feel anger lots of times because I always seem to mess up at things I do. There's probably some curse on me, whether it's generational, something spoken over me, or something I myself agreed with in my younger years. It's very frustrating when it seems like I always screw things up and am clumsy and inefficient. I've got to face it. It's not about me being good enough. I've got to quit letting it get the best of me and let it go, but before I can let it go, I've got to face it. You can't let something go/put it behind you if you're trying to ignore it or numb yourself to it. There is a difference. I also feel alone quite often, and all this anger because of what I feel has been unfair treatment by my father figures makes me feel resentful towards older men as a whole. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry because this root of fatherlessness is just too much to bear. I really do feel lonely and long for a place in a father's heart. I never was aware of it in years past because I had my mechanisms that my flesh learned to deal with it to pacify the void. The Lord asked me earlier this week 'How can you help others your age who deal with fatherlessness and all that goes with it if you haven't had to walk through it and deal with it'. He's going to resurrect me from this, I just don't know when that will be, probably when I least expect it. Anyway, I'm beginning to see that God really wants me to grow up into the man I was meant to be, and part of that is developing my own strength. I talk alot about survival and how that is the flesh's natural desire. I'm not meaning that this is a survival season for me, Life is always the point. It's what we were made for, and it's what we must have. I do believe that previous generations have become stuck because they have locked their focus on survival - trudge through, suck it up, and keep going. All that is vanity if you're holding yourself up. It leaves no room for God. However, God does not want us to be leaches, vegetables. We must be totally leaning on Him and dependant on Him. That being said, we were meant to be fruitful and to do things and to live. That means there is a part for us to play, not to save ourselves. God wants us to have our part that we are the initiator in. that's one reason why He wants us to work and to sweat for our produce/provision. It's not at all about getting all our ducks lined in a row, but He would be crippling us and our ability to grow if He bottle-fed us our whole lives. that is what this is about. I must learn that I have what it takes and that my God is with me when I succeed and when I mess up. Jason said that the Lord told him that He is going to allow whatever He can to happen in our lives to show us that we are more the conquerers. that seems to me that this is what is happening. It's uncomfortable and is stirring up in me some feelings from my past that I used to feel when I was in these same situations. I'm tired now, so I'm going to go to bed.

It's time

I've talked about this before, but it's really starting to sync in. It's time for me to move out on my own. I talked with my mom tonight, and she believes it is. My parents have done all that they can for me, and if I stay here I will only continue in my limbo of holding on to home life because it's convenient and comfortable, all the while not growing into the person that I know God is drawing out in me. I feel like I've been smothered yet neglected all at the same time. I've seen other people that I noticed this with.
I am so confused about what to do for my family. They have a heavy responsibility to offer what they can to help me grow and help me to understand the hard lessons they have learned. There are lots of good life lessons that they've learned, and I often underappreciate just their insight or their desire to at least say something. At the same time, I have always felt like they will not see my point of view, and certainly not my spiritual points of view. I've noticed that it has been ingrained in people's mind that you will succeed in life if you are honest, responsible, courteous, and hard-working. All of these are Biblical traits that God wants, but it is self-salvation if you are trying to conjure these things up out of your own strength. Performance is important, but if that is the center of your worldview, then you are trying to save yourself. This may make no sense to some people, but every choice we make we are either trying to arrange for our own version of Eden(whatever that looks like), or we die to self and choose the only Person who can save us from this vanity. I have talked before about how the verse 'Whoever seeks to save their life will lose it', and how this can be broken down into every choice we make, and it is the dividing line between the carnal, self-centered flesh, and the redeemed self, God-centered. Anyway, there has been a constant contention that I have felt since I began being drawn closer to God to 'get my &^%$ together' and grow up.
I believe that their motives are caring and they really are trying to offer what they know, but quite often my spirit-man just cringes when I hear the constant responsibility preaching. I feel the prodding almost to take matters into my own hands to avoid possibly being in an uncomfortable situation such as vehiclelessness, debt, homelessness, etc. All of these are important because they are meant to meet a need, but that cannot be the center-focus, once again. Jesus came that we may have Life, not that we may discipline ourselves more so that life may be easier.
I really am at a standstill as to what to do for some of those I love. I don't know what I can do for my father. He has been shut down, battered, shamed, angered, broken, ridiculed and then thrown that baggage onto anybody whose actions step on his cracked soul, adding even more shame. My step father, I don't know either. I've seen God in him before, but for about 6 years it has just seemed like he checked out. That was my senior year, and my heart has only over the past year recieved Healing from that. I go through cycles of hardening my heart because I'm so sick and tired of feeling ridiculed and looked down on because once again I'm never good enough for somebody(and, of course, a father figure). Then God reminds me that my heart does remember those days when I felt like I finally had a father who could pick up where my father couldn't come through. I do still care, and my heart breaks during these times because of the grief and the void that I feel from this. I don't know how to reach through to him because he is so stiff and biased in his opinions, and when my mom has tried to reach through to him he rejected her or claimed that pointing out an issue is being 'negative'. He won the NHRA Division 4 Bracket Finals last monday, and when I found out I cried. He has waited 25 years, it has been his dream since he start doing recreational drag racing. I used to go to the races with him every weekend, and I felt like I had an identity as his son there. that fizzled out right around the time that I graduated high school. I still go to the races every once in a while, i did especially when I was going to UNT and he would race at Denton. Still, it hurts to go out there sometimes because it reminds me of the days when I had a place of identity that just dropped off the face of the earth. I sometimes wonder if I got into racing because I was so longing to have an identity with which to follow into a father's footsteps. i raced for two years, and the first year I won the NHRA Division 4 High School Championship, and the next I runnered-up. I was somebody that came out of nowhere, but people knew who I was, and they knew whose son I was. I've lost my interest in it over the past several years, mainly because I find more delight in my friends, even if it's just sitting around chilling, thinking of something to talk about. I have not really felt like I've had a complete home in years - half a home. I am loved, cared for, but that caring is often presided by values of staying on top of things(performance-mindsets). I ask God constantly to work out these false and distorted mindsets that have been both ingrained and learned as part of how our carnal nature learns to deal with Paradise lost. sometimes I truthfully wonder if and when it will happen. It just seems the same ole same ole. I know that if I stay here, I will continually be in a see-saw of resenting and rebelling against them due to the contention that the Enemy tries to bring , and then being renewed to the need of honoring and submitting, while not knowing how to keep honoring them when it seems like sometimes it's compromising who I truly am. It's time for me to grow up. Period.
I must move on with my life. I want to travel the country and the world, living the adventures that I know that God has put a longing in my heart since childhood. It comes out in my love for all things Native American, Old Western, anything to do with mountains and exploring. Totally new arena, but I must move forward into this.

This past week was really trying. Work was so frustrating because we were short-handed and i felt tugged 50 different ways all at once. It's bringing up alot of anger because I feel like I'm being fed to the wolves and then if I make a mistake the world will end when we're so swamped that there's hardly any time to think about what we're doing and contributes directly to mistakes. today, though, the Lord blessed me with a break, and I got paid, which relieved me from my financial pinch that I was in the week. I am being stretched, and it does not feel good. I long to continue in my writings for my future books, but I'm so tired when I get home, and feel so withdrawn at home that I go to my room and sleep, but am still exhausted the next morning. I think that the Lord is indeed saying it's time. I want to move in November or December, whichever works out with the Lord and strategically. I am excited and I believe that things will be much better for my relationship with my parents since that pressure to try to show me what they think I need to hear and know won't be on them. I just don't want any problems to be swept under the rug that could be at least somewhat brought out to give God something to work with.
That's all I have for this time.

Thank You

Five months is really not that long, but for three years I think I've gone maybe a month without seeing you.  As we said goodbye tonight, I knew that everything will be ok and this will go by like it's no time at all.  A big shift is coming in my life, and my life in Johnson County seems to be coming to a stagnation, as do things lots of times when it's time to go in another direction.  

 I have to say thank you.  Thank you for being there when I would be all alone up at college and it seemed like no one else wanted to take the time to even just say hi.  Oftentimes, you would be the only one who would do so.  Thank you being sort of a venting source that I can go to and not have any fear of accusation, false assumption or judgement, or slander.  I have to admit that this is harder on me emotionally than I thought it would be, you've been like a sister to me that I never had before.  I think there is soooo much more life out there for you, and it is time for you to go live it, as it will be for me very soon.

I hope you read this soon, but whenever you do(however soon or later on), you will know that's it's for you, even though others will read this.  

Change for me has not always been easy.  I never liked leaving my dad at the end of every summer, and I even didn't like leaving my mom for two months out of the summer.  This will take some getting used to, but I know that no matter what, we will always be like childhood friends that keep in touch no matter the distance or the time.  I look forward to hearing from you and hearing about your travels and adventures.  I am so happy that you get to do this, as it is something that I am patiently waiting on the Lord to release me to run on the open road as the modern-day Spiritual Frontiersman that He has put in my heart to be.  

I love you like my own sister, and I wish the most abundant Blessings, Peace, and Wholeness and that you will grow into what we all long for, to be more who we were created to be. 

My heart is a well, full of stones, water, mud, bricks.  The water flows, but seems to get stopped up right before the wonderfulness sets in.  Unclog these stoppages, Lord!  I'm tired of becoming hard, resentful, and shallow.  I'm tired of judging based on my own selfish need for filling that happens to not be met right when I want it.  I miss that season from two years ago!  I long to be opened back up to those days when I sat in Your lap and cried and laughed and knew without a doubt that I was delighted in.  When I knew that my Daddy cared just for me, and I didn't have to hit the ball perfectly to have Your approval.  

I'm weary from feeling like I'm never enough, like I have to hold up my world to hit the mark.  I feel so lonely sometimes, like nobody want to understand my sadness, like I should be ashamed for wanting more out of life.  Like I should just 'suck it up' and be a man, all the while compromising the very thing that You offer - building and making me into the man that you created me to be!  Self-made men are hard, critical, prideful, and performance-minded. I resent middle-aged men and generally shy away from relationships with them for this reason - because I'm afraid that I will once again be invalidated just as my fathers figures have done so before.  

I want to help You in rescuing those who have this heart-cry, but before that can happen, I need rescuing myself!  Experientially, I mean.

So often, out of resentment, I feel like calling out men who are posers - who hide behind fig-leafs of machoness and sexual conquering and 'get'r'done'-aholics.  It's prideful to look at people only through this lens.  This leads me to a conclusion - in order to see in the unregenerate what You see, I need to know what You see in me.  It's not unhumble to be secure with yourself, if that's what God has validated, redeemed, renewed, rebuilt, and molded - your TRUE self, not the carnal self.

I know that I have posted blogs lately that have been farely downers, but that is what my heart-cry is, and I'm not going to withhold that out of fear that people may assume that I'm rolling around in self-pity.  I withhold myself so much because I'm so used to being picked apart because I'm not doing what others think I should or what they would do.  Ahhh the frustrations of trying to be what God wants while still having a servant heart towards others while all at the same time trying to not delve in the counterfeit-mode of people-pleasing.

Starting to enjoy work and the people there.  I'm learning to be amused by the little things, but I'm having a difficult time dealing with the constant pressure to come through for customers.  I sometimes have to take calls from people who want some oddball part that I have no idea even where to order it from, AND take care of customers that walk in, AND pick up the slack when the warehouse workers are not doing their job.  They are quite often swamped, though, so I don't know if I can blame them totally.  It's pretty stressful trying to do customer service when you're pulled 5 different ways at once.  Then there are the customers that are just plain jerks when we don't have what they want, and pride in me wants to cuss them out and ask them if they 'want some cheese with that whine' while shame makes me cower and not call their bluff(ass-kissing).  I'm afraid learning how to stand up for myself and not fold is going to be messy at times for me, but it's a lot better than falling into resentment, self-loathing, and anger because I let somebody get the best of me.  Man, it seems like the smallest things set me off sometime.  It's busy-busy, go-go, and we certainly can't short the customer.  I just don't like how a lot of people twist customer service into customer WORSHIP.  It's self-righteous and just plain ridiculous.  I'm tired now and through ranting.

Until next time........

Seen

I long to be seen.  Last December as I hid in my room after getting the cold shoulder from someone close I cried out 'Doesn't anybody see me?!'.  So much of my actions flow out of that longing.  I'm either hiding in shame because I don't want to come out and feel that I'm not good  enough again, or I feed on anything that is comfortable and 'safe' until I develop a comfort zone that causes me to become lax and complacent.  Why do I so often feel like I have to prove something, like I'm always being tested to see if I'm up to par?  The anger that sometimes comes when I feel a weight of biased expectations - people 'shoulding' on me.  No matter where it is - work, home, with friends.  The shame that cuts me when I see people react to me funny and perceive that they are already making a 'thumbs-down' verdict on me.  The self-loathing that usually gets stirred up as I once again feel like I'm in the way or never going to be of any value.  This is not God's story of my life, I know, but it has been a constant assault.  The seeds that the Enemy has planted are deep-rooted and hard to weed-out.  I want to be restored now!  But, I know that God is on a different timetable than what I demand.  I must trust Him first, and walk forward no matter what I feel.  Keep moving, living(not going into survival mode), breathing, eating, sleeping, praising, thanking, honoring, Worshipping, battling, resting, laboring, laughing, grieving, sowing, loving.  'As a man thinks in his heart, so is he' or, 'so he becomes'.  I want to believe in my heart of hearts what I know factually!  You can think something all day long in your head, but what you are going to live out of is what's in your heart.  You can believe God loves you all day thinking about it, and never believe it in your heart!  I need that Truth in my inmost being to overtake me.  I have had doses, but so much of it is drowned out by the Matrix of trying to live in a hostile world that is completely enslaved to striving(really, almost killing oneself) to get ahead and then indulging to attempt to quench that thirst and vainly starting it all over because it never works - he who seeks to save his life will lose it.  

I guess the truth is, I don't think of myself as very valuable most of the time(and that is NOT humility-it's a counterfeit- I cannot stand the religious view on humility that interprets it as what is actually self-loathing).

Behind Bars of Iron and Bronze

This is Chapter 1 of a story that I've been working on.  Hope you enjoy :)

There had never been a time in his life that he was so scared.  Running so many years on the open road had left him hard and indifferent towards others.  Now this came along - a girl he had met at a bar two months before in Albequerque was pregnant with what she claimed was his child.  Always being able to take care of his own immediate want was easy.  The anger mixed with fear of what felt like an entirely unfair expectation was slowly boiling within him.  Drifters learned to be hard and tough, to show no honest feelings.  He had no idea why he was shaking, but as Tracy said goodbye the first thing that came to his mind was what he had always done - run.  After all, how can he trust this woman?  What if she is just trying to pawn off her need for extra support onto him?  He assumed that there had to be other possible candidates for the father of the child.  She had insisted, though, that he had been the only man she was in intimate contact with in over a year.  Still, until there was proof she had no grounds to put the responsibility on him, he justified in his mind.

Being a traveling man, he could get as far away as possible and find a quiet place to rest his weary soul until that town had had enough of him.  He remembered stories about his father, who had done the same thing that he was now doing - run from everything that was plaguing him.  How he wished he would randomly meet him, he would give him an earful - and perhaps a fist-full too.  His mother's passing right before he took to drifting only made his hatred that much more toxic.  Whatever happened, he did not want to be reminded of his abandonment, and he did not want to accept that he was doing the same thing now that his father had done.  He would go through cycles of depression and deadness, constantly hearing voices in his head, saying things like 'The apple never falls far from the tree', or 'Everybody's left because they don't want you', or 'You're alone in this world, so you've gotta stiffen up and scrap for what you can get'.  Always, the angered simmered down inside from some deep void, and he didn't know how to get rid of it except by alchohol and loose women.  The only thing about that was he would wake up in the morning dizzy and still in a bowl of sullenness.  This is why he didn't understand his emotional reaction to the news.  With all the fights and scrapes he had taken, he thought that his days of being weak and never feeling again were over.  As he pulled into a Motel 6 in Cheyenne, he tried to settle himself before going to the front desk.  The key he received was to room number 77, so he got his things out of the old Ford that his mother had left him and went into his room exhausted.  As he lay down that night, the front desk called him to tell him that somebody from Albequerque had called, but it was not a woman.  He returned the call five minutes later.  The man on the other line sounded strangely familiar, but Michael wouldn't believe it could be him.  The man was the young woman's boss, and he called him to say that it was wrong of him to not face up to the consequences of his actions.  After 10 minutes of arguing back and forth, the man on the phone finally tried to settle the issue by saying  that he personally knew the boy and his mother when he was younger and would not think  that his mother would be proud of a son who followed in his father's footsteps.  The young man dropped the phone on the ground, screaming 'Why can't somebody just give me a break?!'.  After kicking  the TV off of the counter, he picked the phone back up to hear the man on the other line sobbing.  He asked why he was so concerned about his own problem.  The man, hesitating to get the words out, finally blurted 'Because, I am your father!'

Change

It seems like everybody that I know that walks with God is going through drastic changes.  God is calling me out of the familiar and the comfortable, and He is weaning me off of things that I tend to depend on to quench my thirst.  It's a difficult and oftentimes miserable-feeling process, but things almost always get worse before the release and then things get better.  Probably going to move into an apartment within the next month, which is a drastic change that I am soooooo ready for.  I feel that it's time for me to move out and leave the comfort of having myself provided for by people that are right there. 

I've also been a little sad because I have a friend who will be leaving for a while, but what I am more attuned to now is that I am so blessed to have them as a friend and honored to watch them move forward in their Walk.  I expect unbelievable reports! I've been sad too that my relationship with my parents is not as deep as I long for it to be, but once again I am grateful that they do care - even if that care is sometimes mixed with fear and reason instead of Faith and Trust.

 Jennifer posted a status this morning on Facebook about gratitude, and it really was prophetic in a way because at APEX tonight we talked about thanksgiving and gratitude in the face of these rough seasons which proceed a big change.  It really hit the spot, and I wanted to commend you on that!

Anyway, that's all I have this time.  Brief but to the point.  Latuh

I've heard the Call of the Wild

Storm clouds a building above the timber line
Lightning flashing across the mountain side
Thunder rolling down the canyons of his mind
Somewhere beyond the Great Divide.

The bugle of the Bull Elk echoes thru the pines 
The North wind moans her lonesome lullaby 
He hungers for the freedom of an eagle as she glides
Somewhere beyond the Great Divide.

He's heard the call of the wild
He's heard the call of the wild
The mountains callin' to him 
Like a mother calls her child
He's heard the call of the wild.

Living in the city, oh it gets to be a grind
Putting in his hours working overtime
Waiting for the day he can leave it all behind
To go somewhere beyond the Great Divide.

He's got to get away from the city for a while
He's got to answer
The call of the wild.

He's heard the call of the wild
He's heard the call of the wild

Courtesy of the late, great Chris LeDoux :)

Abandonment

So often I get this feeling over very subtle things that I'm not important to anybody, or that I'm not worth their investment of time and honor. I'm not writing this to whine or belly-ache and make excuses like a little kid, I'm just describing what I've been going through. So much of my life I've felt like I'm expected to figure everything out on my own. Since men are made to come through in the clutch, it is natural for humanity to expect that of us. It is a design that even unregenerate people can sense, just like that women were made to be captivating and inviting and nurturing. However, we were not made to do this alone. Like the Scripture 'Less men should boast', we were not designed at all to blaze our trails on our own. It is a part of us to want to make a way for ourselves and blaze our own trails because we were each created with our own individual identity that was intended to reflect God's glory in it's own way. It is unique, and if it doesn't come out, then a part of God's creation is not complete. So much opposition comes against us through shame with this area. However, like the phrase 'Turtle on a fencepost', it was not at all in our makeup to conjure up our own identity by ourselves. In the Old Testament the fathers always gave the name and the inheritance and passed down their blessings. This is a double-edged sword that Satan can obviously use to cripple people if their parents are not whole in their own identity, but nonetheless it shows that God intended for others to play a part in our growth and identity. One defintion of the word father is 'The one who gives meaning'. Fatherlessness creates a disease of lack of identity and direction, so naturally people will rely on their own survival instincts(i.e. their strengths which are chemically driven) to try to stay afloat. One of the reasons why teenagers are sexually maturing so much faster nowadays can be linked to this, because broken families mean less affectionate love being given, so the body starts looking for other ways to get that need met, and sexual oneness is the first place where that feeling of intimacy and adoration can be FELT.
Anyway, at my job I have felt often fed to the wolves to figure things out that I have no clue, and customers of course expect the employees to do so. It makes me feel hung out to dry and expected to somehow conjure something up that's just not there. Like somebody who has never read the Bible and is expected to recite John 3:16(outside of God inspiring that, because I know that that is always possible). I feel just this weight of isolation and loneliness, really orphanage. It brings up alot of anger and frustration because it doesn't seem fair for me to be expected to offer something that's just not there. On the other side, it brings healing because alot of underlying hardness and brokenness finally comes out of hiding so that it can be dealt with. I also have noticed that most of the customers and people in general that I'm dealing with are middle-aged men who put on a bravado of 'self-made man' toughness as their identity. I do not all condone wimpiness in men, because that is what has castrated this country, but posing I do not like either. You can't solve the problem of violent, over-bearing, self-righteous, bigoted men by trying to turn them into geldings! But alot of times people use their strengths as a crutch to barge their way through life, and it is an exalted form of pride, often combined with shame because they feel if they don't, then they will never win the approval of other men, and at a deeper level, their father. It's the difference between William Wallace and Edward the Longshanks in the movie Braveheart. Posing aggressive men are not moving out of a center of knowing who they are, and therefore they will fall on their strength that is driven by testosterone to try to make it through life. This is one reason why many men go through what psychologists call a 'Mid-life crisis'. The physical strength and bravado starts to wane with their testosterone drop, and their is no grounded strength in their soul and spirit because they were relying on outward things for their identity(remember, whoever seeks to save their life will lose it). They were not founded on a Rock, but on sand, just as church bodies that are founded on knowledge and doctrine alone quickly fizzle out because the real need of Intimacy and Relationship with God is not there, and they fall into Phariseeism and worship of the Law instead of the God of the Law.
Oh how I need to be aggressive about pursuing father-figures in my life. It's one of my greatest desires, but also one of my greatest fears, because I have been rejected and downgraded so much by men who still look at life through the lense of outward performance instead of performance flowing out of Truth and realness(if that is a word). Six years ago my mother and step-father almost divorced, and problems began to come up in my step-father's life. He was the person that I looked to to be what my father cannot, and it never came through. In a way it was good because for so long I thought he could do no wrong, but the deep wound from that I still feel to this day. Last fall God orchestrated through a situation where I felt alone and abandoned and left to face the onslaught of this heartless world alone to bring to the surface this gash. A part of me died back then, and I remember after that that I quit caring and started to increasingly turn to comfort and gratification and pleasure. I never slept with any girls or got into drugs or stealing or contraband trading, but my desires and dreams to live my life to it's fullest were shot right through. God has done so much over the past few years, alot dealing with the way my father has treated me and He has helped me to release him from my grip. I just feel right now once more that deep void of loneliness and abandonment that I felt back then. It was almost like in my heart that the other person died, even though they are still here. I so much wish that God would restore in my loved ones' lives the rifts that have taken place in them. It really stands out to me how those rifts drive us to follow our flesh into sin to try to meet those unmet needs. I'm not trying to excuse sin, because God is not mocked and there are consequences, but God is patient, merciful, and certainly understanding of all of our deep cuts. He wants to heal us and bring those places back to life.
I know that God is going to continue to Father me and He will never abandon me, even though in situations it does feel like it. I just have to be honest that for so long I have just wanted to be accepted for who I am through all of my faults and vices. Not to be flattered and excused for wrong living, but to know that I do not have to do something in order to be who God says that I am. Our 'doing' is supposed to flow out of our 'being'. Religion reverses that.
Also, I have a friend who is going to be going off to war very soon, and I have to say that although I have had some pet-peeves about the way he has previously acted towards another friend, I know that his true heart that God sees is good. I pray that God will keep him and bless him and make His Face shine upon him, and that he will grow into the mighty warrior that he was created to be.
I have another friend that is going to be going to England sometime in the not-so-distant future. I really feel like this is the change that she needs, and that if she stays where she is she will not be fulfilled. God has done so much for her and has so much in store. I have always had good friends that are girls, but this one is very dear to me and will always have a special place in my heart :). I don't want to get too mushy, but I can't help but say that. Oh, and to be fair to the previous friend I described, I have had pet-peeves before about her as well, hehe ;). I know that so much of the life that she has longed to live, free of any obligation and binding to be somebody that she's not, is going to come. At the end of next week my contact with her will be severely cut due to phone issues, and although I'm going to miss it and probably will have to deal with withdrawal and readustment, life is going to go on and God's going to bring other people in the coming seasons, so unlike 3 years ago(she knows what I'm talking about) I'm not at all upset about it.
Anyways, that is what I had on my heart to talk about this time. So much more I could expound upon, but so little time.

My life right now

So much has been and will be happening for me. I can say that about alot of my friends it seems. This is a season of growth and expansion, and being intentional about getting out there and doing what's necessary to get things done. I'm looking as hard as I can to find a job and have so far had two duds. One was a sales job that starts out paying ONLY commission, and the other was going to require me to use my gas-guzzling truck for work - neither are gonna happen! I need a job, but not by trying to hold up my world to do it. I'm feeling stressed about the uncertainty of the situation, not knowing for sure what I'm supposed to do, but I know that I can't get a job by sitting on my butt! You can't grow crops if you don't till the fields and plant the seeds, that's just how things work. I have a peace about the uncertainty though, and what I'm really liking is that God has been very adament on me this season to do difficult things even when I don't feel like it because that's the only way you grow. He's teaching me to both rest and labor. I've conciously made decisions that meant dying to self and sacrificing temporary comfort and gratification, which is an area that I usually give in to. I'm learning how important it is to set my face like flint with an inner resolve to live with intention, purpose, depth, and most of all connection to God.
This weekend I graduate from college! My father is coming down from Washington and we are going to be having a crazy time in Cowtown! lol. I'm having a party this Sunday at my house for my friends. I'm fighting feeling a little disappointed because I'm finding out that alot of my friends can't go to it. Not all, but some. Alot will try to at least make an appearance, but alot of the people that I've sent messages to I haven't even heard from. Most of the excuses I've gotten are good, so I'm not trying to whine because people's worlds don't revolve around me. I'm just somewhat disappointed that not as many people are going to be able to be there as I thought. Otherwise, I think it will be fun and I'm going to be optimistic and appreciate those that can make it.
I hope to get a position at the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History. There is a possibility this fall, but I'll just have to wait and see.
I really want to get fully connected into what God wants for my life, I just get hasty and antzy about it and have a hard time waiting on the Lord to bring Life. Survival vs. Life. All of our choices can be broken down into the goal being one of those. Survival is the fleshes desire to arrange for it's own counterfeit Eden here and now. It wants to be in control. Life means that you have to die to that - which is what repentance is. Let go, let God. It doesn't mean that you be a sluggard or leach and expect God to drop everything in your lap. We were meant to have an active role in our lives, we just have to choose which path to take - World-control(or our feeble attempts at making life work our own way) or self-control.
Anyway, God has been with me this whole time, and He is ever-gracious to gently correct me or just give me His reassuring peace that the worlds not going to fall apart if I make a mistake. I have a feeling that there's going to come an explosion in my life and things will really start to click, but I don't think it's just yet. And I'm fine with it.
Anyway, I'm not going to deny that I need prayer support and just encouragment and up-lifting in this shifting season. God's calling me to rise up and become the man that I was born to be, leaving behind the image I have of myself through my father and the messages that the Enemy has constantly bombarded my heart through other often well-meaning people in the past. Satan is so heartless, because he uses the ones that we love the best to inflict the deepest wounds(and like I said, often having good meaning), but apparently it works pretty well, because I don't see alot of people out there who are willing to let go and just be real with God. I have a hard time explaining and expressing what I want to say to people(except on paper), and it gets frustrating because I have to turn the other cheek rather than react out of pride when I feel like I'm not understood. It's like trying to get something out that you know is so important to life, but when it comes down to it, you can't put it into words. I feel sometimes like people are never going to understand or even care what is most important to me, so saying anything is just a waste of time. Alot of my problem used to be pride and frustration in the flesh, a control issue that expects the world to be perfect and for nothing to ever be tipped off balance or upset. Another part of the problem is that I never was taught how to stand up for myself. I learned passivity from my father, and the only time that I do anything is when I've had enough but then it's just an explosion. Either way, it's the flesh. I can't blame my father for it, and I don't feel any resentment towards him, but it is a fact that that is what I have picked up both generationally and through observance. It's something I'm going to have to overcome with the Lord's direction. It is so important that men start being men soulfully as well as physically! Being able to bench press 200 pounds means nothing if you can't at least stand up during varying circumstances. Family's, churches, businesses, governments need men who know who they are and are not afraid to roll up their sleeves and take a hit for the sake of others. Alot of young men in my generation are angry and without direction because their fathers either were never there are were only physically there. This leaves them being either lazy, passive men who only do what's easy because anything difficult will expose how incomplete they are, or wrecklessly ambitious men who are always vainly looking for that next badge to attain or fight to win or girl's phone number to get. The only solution to that is obviously God, but He intended for fathers as well as mothers to have an active role in the home. How a father values and gives meaning to his children(both sons and daughters) will affect the way they view God, any other authority figures that they come underneath, and themselves. Our nation's sense of identity has been torn in two mainly because people are growing up with split families, which gets passed down the line, and what's left now is a society that is putting instant-gratification and functionality before values. It's becoming all quantity without any quality. Anyways, that is about all that I have for tonight. Every time I get on here I start thinking of so much to talk about, but alot is too much.

So I'm going to Michigan in two days to be the best man in my best friend Jake's wedding! It's gonna be awesome. I've never been to that part of the country, so this is a chance to add to the places that I've been to in America. This season is a big transition. I'm finished with college officially and I graduate August 15! I'm thinking about looking into the Museum field because it utilizes so much History. I'm looking to move out of the house soon and to start taking care of myself. It's kinda scary because I've never done this before, but it's exciting! It's going to open wide a door for me to draw closer into the heart of my Father and depend solely on Him as my Daddy and Provider. I'm thinking that there's probably going to be some things I'm going to be doing that make absolutely no sense to human intuition, but that's part of walking with God. He says that if you don't work, you don't eat, but He also says that it's useless to worry about food, shelter, and clothing when he provides meager birds with this! It's a totally new arena that I've never fully felt and it's going to be uncomfortable and probably feel shaky, but it's going to allow me to walk more in His Spirit and less in reasoning my way through everything. It's going to be an adventure of the first order, and I believe that there are probably going to be times where I feel like everything that is me is crumbling and falling apart, but that's just when God comes in a rebuilds and shows me who I truly am! I have a hard time believing what God says about me, it's part of a lens that I've looked at myself through of almost self-loathing that started when I was in grade school. It's ridiculous how much stuff that we accept as a normal part of life, but it's not! It's seeds of wrong thinking about God, ourselves, the condition of the world around us, and the meaning of life that have been constantly planted by the Deceiver to attempt to separate us from Who we were made for and the Life that we were intended for. Survival of the fittest is a picture of this world after the Fall, it was never meant to be that way! That's why it's so crucial to get God's perspective on things, otherwise you're either going to lean towards being a leach on God and not being the person He calls you to be and doing what He calls you to do, or you're going to be like the people at the Tower of Babel and think it's all up to you and vainly try to make things happen. Neither is good. We were meant to play a part in God's plan - just because we are imperfect and erronous does not mean that He has removed that mandate that He gave Adam and Eve. However, we were meant to do things out of resting in Him - that is the whole point of Sabbath-resting in Him(which I believe is a spiritual posture in the New Covenant and has nothing to do with Sunday or Saturday, although resting 1 in 7 days is a good principal to follow). So, there are huge things in store for me! I'm still feeling that I'm going to be writing more and I really want to publish my stuff - not so much for fame and fortune(although that would be really cool), but because I want to show a perspective of the Gospel that shows God's intention redeem our past and restore our identity and draw us into the Adventure and Purpose that He created us for. I always seem to write stories about young men and their typical struggles, and I think that it is so crucial for young men in this time of rampant fatherlessness and masculine identity that is increasingly narrowing into macho-tough guy and sexual conquest, that they begin to understand themselves and the Story they were meant for. Regurgitating a bunch of Bible verses and memorizing stories out of the Bible is not going to cut it - that's trying to each Salvation through works! It's not selfish to want to know who you are and want to be caught up in the life that you were meant for, what's selfish is when people follow after their flesh by putting that as an idol by which they find redemption. The flesh wants to redeem itself it's own way, it wants to be the savior! Well, anyway, I could go on and on about this subject. It's deep and broad and too much to just write a short post about.
This is what is going on in my life right now. I'm connecting more and more with my friends, both old and new, and I've met some new friends who I hope to grow closer to.

Robin Hood

If there was ever a TV show/series that I would recommend people to watch, it would be BBC's Robin Hood. It is in the third season, and the last episode is next week. I am stoked about the final episode, but after this I don't know where the series can go on. It currently is not showing on BBC America(punks) so you have to find in on the net(i found it on Youtube). The series has sort of a flashy modern dialogue that I like very much, and although it's accuracy to the legend may be a little off, the story is awesome. I don't want to spoil the series to those interested in joining my interest in the show, but the third series started out looking like the screenwriters were trying to figure something out to keep the series moving. This is because they killed off a key person at the end of Series 2(I will go no further in those details), and most fans that I know of have doubted how there could be a series after that. Anyway, I just wanted to say that this is one of the hidden gems of television(except maybe in Britain itself), and I hope that the BBC America will get its act together and start airing season 3. That's enough for this time.
Shalom

Introduction to my blogging

Well, this is just my first blog, so I'm not going to do anything fancy or share my heart's deepest secrets or vent on some frustration I've had. You can probably expect random, ridiculous stuff starting out, because I'm going to be sporadic on taking time to write stuff. I like to write short stories with an allegorical twang on the characters' struggles and brokenness before the shock of their life comes riding in(I wonder Who that may be). I may also share some of the things that are going on in my life and even in my heart, but there are just some things that belong to my own personal journal that I actually write in, and they are between God and I. This is probably going to be a little messy at first as are all things starting out, but I'm looking forward to diving into blogging!