It's time

I've talked about this before, but it's really starting to sync in. It's time for me to move out on my own. I talked with my mom tonight, and she believes it is. My parents have done all that they can for me, and if I stay here I will only continue in my limbo of holding on to home life because it's convenient and comfortable, all the while not growing into the person that I know God is drawing out in me. I feel like I've been smothered yet neglected all at the same time. I've seen other people that I noticed this with.
I am so confused about what to do for my family. They have a heavy responsibility to offer what they can to help me grow and help me to understand the hard lessons they have learned. There are lots of good life lessons that they've learned, and I often underappreciate just their insight or their desire to at least say something. At the same time, I have always felt like they will not see my point of view, and certainly not my spiritual points of view. I've noticed that it has been ingrained in people's mind that you will succeed in life if you are honest, responsible, courteous, and hard-working. All of these are Biblical traits that God wants, but it is self-salvation if you are trying to conjure these things up out of your own strength. Performance is important, but if that is the center of your worldview, then you are trying to save yourself. This may make no sense to some people, but every choice we make we are either trying to arrange for our own version of Eden(whatever that looks like), or we die to self and choose the only Person who can save us from this vanity. I have talked before about how the verse 'Whoever seeks to save their life will lose it', and how this can be broken down into every choice we make, and it is the dividing line between the carnal, self-centered flesh, and the redeemed self, God-centered. Anyway, there has been a constant contention that I have felt since I began being drawn closer to God to 'get my &^%$ together' and grow up.
I believe that their motives are caring and they really are trying to offer what they know, but quite often my spirit-man just cringes when I hear the constant responsibility preaching. I feel the prodding almost to take matters into my own hands to avoid possibly being in an uncomfortable situation such as vehiclelessness, debt, homelessness, etc. All of these are important because they are meant to meet a need, but that cannot be the center-focus, once again. Jesus came that we may have Life, not that we may discipline ourselves more so that life may be easier.
I really am at a standstill as to what to do for some of those I love. I don't know what I can do for my father. He has been shut down, battered, shamed, angered, broken, ridiculed and then thrown that baggage onto anybody whose actions step on his cracked soul, adding even more shame. My step father, I don't know either. I've seen God in him before, but for about 6 years it has just seemed like he checked out. That was my senior year, and my heart has only over the past year recieved Healing from that. I go through cycles of hardening my heart because I'm so sick and tired of feeling ridiculed and looked down on because once again I'm never good enough for somebody(and, of course, a father figure). Then God reminds me that my heart does remember those days when I felt like I finally had a father who could pick up where my father couldn't come through. I do still care, and my heart breaks during these times because of the grief and the void that I feel from this. I don't know how to reach through to him because he is so stiff and biased in his opinions, and when my mom has tried to reach through to him he rejected her or claimed that pointing out an issue is being 'negative'. He won the NHRA Division 4 Bracket Finals last monday, and when I found out I cried. He has waited 25 years, it has been his dream since he start doing recreational drag racing. I used to go to the races with him every weekend, and I felt like I had an identity as his son there. that fizzled out right around the time that I graduated high school. I still go to the races every once in a while, i did especially when I was going to UNT and he would race at Denton. Still, it hurts to go out there sometimes because it reminds me of the days when I had a place of identity that just dropped off the face of the earth. I sometimes wonder if I got into racing because I was so longing to have an identity with which to follow into a father's footsteps. i raced for two years, and the first year I won the NHRA Division 4 High School Championship, and the next I runnered-up. I was somebody that came out of nowhere, but people knew who I was, and they knew whose son I was. I've lost my interest in it over the past several years, mainly because I find more delight in my friends, even if it's just sitting around chilling, thinking of something to talk about. I have not really felt like I've had a complete home in years - half a home. I am loved, cared for, but that caring is often presided by values of staying on top of things(performance-mindsets). I ask God constantly to work out these false and distorted mindsets that have been both ingrained and learned as part of how our carnal nature learns to deal with Paradise lost. sometimes I truthfully wonder if and when it will happen. It just seems the same ole same ole. I know that if I stay here, I will continually be in a see-saw of resenting and rebelling against them due to the contention that the Enemy tries to bring , and then being renewed to the need of honoring and submitting, while not knowing how to keep honoring them when it seems like sometimes it's compromising who I truly am. It's time for me to grow up. Period.
I must move on with my life. I want to travel the country and the world, living the adventures that I know that God has put a longing in my heart since childhood. It comes out in my love for all things Native American, Old Western, anything to do with mountains and exploring. Totally new arena, but I must move forward into this.

This past week was really trying. Work was so frustrating because we were short-handed and i felt tugged 50 different ways all at once. It's bringing up alot of anger because I feel like I'm being fed to the wolves and then if I make a mistake the world will end when we're so swamped that there's hardly any time to think about what we're doing and contributes directly to mistakes. today, though, the Lord blessed me with a break, and I got paid, which relieved me from my financial pinch that I was in the week. I am being stretched, and it does not feel good. I long to continue in my writings for my future books, but I'm so tired when I get home, and feel so withdrawn at home that I go to my room and sleep, but am still exhausted the next morning. I think that the Lord is indeed saying it's time. I want to move in November or December, whichever works out with the Lord and strategically. I am excited and I believe that things will be much better for my relationship with my parents since that pressure to try to show me what they think I need to hear and know won't be on them. I just don't want any problems to be swept under the rug that could be at least somewhat brought out to give God something to work with.
That's all I have for this time.