Seen

I long to be seen.  Last December as I hid in my room after getting the cold shoulder from someone close I cried out 'Doesn't anybody see me?!'.  So much of my actions flow out of that longing.  I'm either hiding in shame because I don't want to come out and feel that I'm not good  enough again, or I feed on anything that is comfortable and 'safe' until I develop a comfort zone that causes me to become lax and complacent.  Why do I so often feel like I have to prove something, like I'm always being tested to see if I'm up to par?  The anger that sometimes comes when I feel a weight of biased expectations - people 'shoulding' on me.  No matter where it is - work, home, with friends.  The shame that cuts me when I see people react to me funny and perceive that they are already making a 'thumbs-down' verdict on me.  The self-loathing that usually gets stirred up as I once again feel like I'm in the way or never going to be of any value.  This is not God's story of my life, I know, but it has been a constant assault.  The seeds that the Enemy has planted are deep-rooted and hard to weed-out.  I want to be restored now!  But, I know that God is on a different timetable than what I demand.  I must trust Him first, and walk forward no matter what I feel.  Keep moving, living(not going into survival mode), breathing, eating, sleeping, praising, thanking, honoring, Worshipping, battling, resting, laboring, laughing, grieving, sowing, loving.  'As a man thinks in his heart, so is he' or, 'so he becomes'.  I want to believe in my heart of hearts what I know factually!  You can think something all day long in your head, but what you are going to live out of is what's in your heart.  You can believe God loves you all day thinking about it, and never believe it in your heart!  I need that Truth in my inmost being to overtake me.  I have had doses, but so much of it is drowned out by the Matrix of trying to live in a hostile world that is completely enslaved to striving(really, almost killing oneself) to get ahead and then indulging to attempt to quench that thirst and vainly starting it all over because it never works - he who seeks to save his life will lose it.  

I guess the truth is, I don't think of myself as very valuable most of the time(and that is NOT humility-it's a counterfeit- I cannot stand the religious view on humility that interprets it as what is actually self-loathing).