Sooooooo

I'm beginning to understand, with understanding, why this season has been so trying, stretching, frustrating, and sometimes angering. I've been asking God for a long time to bring testing into my life, not out of vanity, but because like every young man growing up, we need that to build our character and our confidence. There have been alot of situations mainly at work where I have felt hung out to dry, taken advantage of, used by people, etc. It doesn't help that getting up at 5 every morning and driving 45 miles gets tiring. So my rest is sporadic, and my appetite was going downhill because I had a month-long affair with dipping snuff. I liked it, and wouldn't mind trying it occasionally still, but it was killing my appetite and running me ragged.
I feel anger lots of times because I always seem to mess up at things I do. There's probably some curse on me, whether it's generational, something spoken over me, or something I myself agreed with in my younger years. It's very frustrating when it seems like I always screw things up and am clumsy and inefficient. I've got to face it. It's not about me being good enough. I've got to quit letting it get the best of me and let it go, but before I can let it go, I've got to face it. You can't let something go/put it behind you if you're trying to ignore it or numb yourself to it. There is a difference. I also feel alone quite often, and all this anger because of what I feel has been unfair treatment by my father figures makes me feel resentful towards older men as a whole. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry because this root of fatherlessness is just too much to bear. I really do feel lonely and long for a place in a father's heart. I never was aware of it in years past because I had my mechanisms that my flesh learned to deal with it to pacify the void. The Lord asked me earlier this week 'How can you help others your age who deal with fatherlessness and all that goes with it if you haven't had to walk through it and deal with it'. He's going to resurrect me from this, I just don't know when that will be, probably when I least expect it. Anyway, I'm beginning to see that God really wants me to grow up into the man I was meant to be, and part of that is developing my own strength. I talk alot about survival and how that is the flesh's natural desire. I'm not meaning that this is a survival season for me, Life is always the point. It's what we were made for, and it's what we must have. I do believe that previous generations have become stuck because they have locked their focus on survival - trudge through, suck it up, and keep going. All that is vanity if you're holding yourself up. It leaves no room for God. However, God does not want us to be leaches, vegetables. We must be totally leaning on Him and dependant on Him. That being said, we were meant to be fruitful and to do things and to live. That means there is a part for us to play, not to save ourselves. God wants us to have our part that we are the initiator in. that's one reason why He wants us to work and to sweat for our produce/provision. It's not at all about getting all our ducks lined in a row, but He would be crippling us and our ability to grow if He bottle-fed us our whole lives. that is what this is about. I must learn that I have what it takes and that my God is with me when I succeed and when I mess up. Jason said that the Lord told him that He is going to allow whatever He can to happen in our lives to show us that we are more the conquerers. that seems to me that this is what is happening. It's uncomfortable and is stirring up in me some feelings from my past that I used to feel when I was in these same situations. I'm tired now, so I'm going to go to bed.