My heart is a well, full of stones, water, mud, bricks.  The water flows, but seems to get stopped up right before the wonderfulness sets in.  Unclog these stoppages, Lord!  I'm tired of becoming hard, resentful, and shallow.  I'm tired of judging based on my own selfish need for filling that happens to not be met right when I want it.  I miss that season from two years ago!  I long to be opened back up to those days when I sat in Your lap and cried and laughed and knew without a doubt that I was delighted in.  When I knew that my Daddy cared just for me, and I didn't have to hit the ball perfectly to have Your approval.  

I'm weary from feeling like I'm never enough, like I have to hold up my world to hit the mark.  I feel so lonely sometimes, like nobody want to understand my sadness, like I should be ashamed for wanting more out of life.  Like I should just 'suck it up' and be a man, all the while compromising the very thing that You offer - building and making me into the man that you created me to be!  Self-made men are hard, critical, prideful, and performance-minded. I resent middle-aged men and generally shy away from relationships with them for this reason - because I'm afraid that I will once again be invalidated just as my fathers figures have done so before.  

I want to help You in rescuing those who have this heart-cry, but before that can happen, I need rescuing myself!  Experientially, I mean.

So often, out of resentment, I feel like calling out men who are posers - who hide behind fig-leafs of machoness and sexual conquering and 'get'r'done'-aholics.  It's prideful to look at people only through this lens.  This leads me to a conclusion - in order to see in the unregenerate what You see, I need to know what You see in me.  It's not unhumble to be secure with yourself, if that's what God has validated, redeemed, renewed, rebuilt, and molded - your TRUE self, not the carnal self.

I know that I have posted blogs lately that have been farely downers, but that is what my heart-cry is, and I'm not going to withhold that out of fear that people may assume that I'm rolling around in self-pity.  I withhold myself so much because I'm so used to being picked apart because I'm not doing what others think I should or what they would do.  Ahhh the frustrations of trying to be what God wants while still having a servant heart towards others while all at the same time trying to not delve in the counterfeit-mode of people-pleasing.