Deep calls unto deep

Deep calls unto deep, at the sound of Your waterfalls. I read that verse and that chapter in the Psalms a few weeks ago, and that seems to be the crux of this season I'm in. He is taking me deeper into His love, especially His Father heart, something that I have honestly longed for but not truly trusted in my heart. I have been getting frustrated with myself and my time lately to the point that things that normally are just an irritation bring up an anger that I couldn't explain, and it only made me more frustrated because I began to think about all the things I must not have right in my life or not have been doing right to have brought this on myself. Truthfully, there are probably lots of things that I was sowing that causes these kinds of emotions. The frustration mainly comes from feeling inefficient with my time management or even with what I bring to the table to give away, whether that's interning at ministry school or at my job. It always seems like I get in situation where something gets screwed up that I didn't even mean to screw up or didn't cause at all, and I'm left to try to figure it out. At my job I am always on edge with customers, bracing for a false/unfair accusation, all the while judging them that that's their heart and setting myself up for offense. God has shown me just how much of my relating to people comes from offenses(some very justifiable in that they were blatent sins against me) from my past. I have been offended ALOT by customers who were impatient or not in the mood to have even one little thing inconvenience them, only I find that when I'm a customer I do the exact same thing!! This means that the problem is not so much what's going on in them(which there is, and I cannot endorse that) but what's going on in me. I have a strong habit of self-protection that most of the time I don't even notice it for what it really is. It's born out of fear of rejection and failure, fear that I will fail people once again or myself, fear that I will be hurt because I'm vulnerable to attack due to the fact that I don't do good enough for them.
I first had to recognize my own sin for what it was. I've noticed a pattern that the deepest changes in me have come after some form of repentance. God did not convict me and give me grace to forgive my father and be healed until after I repented of my godless self-preservation schemes and allowed access to my heart 4 years ago. It was no different this time. I had to see what was going on with me, the plank in MY eye. I had no idea that I was being just as critical(although not in open words-passive aggressive) of people as they were of me. I had opened the door to it and no matter how much rebuking my Adversary or worshipping and thanking God and trying to shift my focus in my heart towards Him, that didn't take away the fact that I had chosen in my heart in so many ways to take the bait of offense(sometimes that offense was even towards myself). Satan has had legal access to this part of me and all he has to do is find a person that's had a bad day or themselves have a hard time dealing with conflict with others and he can then pull those strings that he had attached to me and my soul of course is going to immediately react without my spirit ever gettting a chance to process it and take precedence over my reactionary soul. But how deep does the offense go? How much of it is areas that cannot be dealt with by learning to love people in the present? I began writing down people I have held offense or even may think I have held offense against them - a relatively long list, then God tells me that I've held offense against HIM! I've always known that I've not been happy with Him and the way I've felt He has allowed my relations with my family to not be what they could given His restoration capabilities. So I was a park a week ago today writing all this down, and I go back to my truck to leave and I look over to a tennis court that I'm right beside and see a teenage boy playing tennis with his parents - both of them. And I just broke down. When God shines light on something, it goes from us being aware of it but unable to move out from under it to us truly being able to let ourselves off the hook. I have been so hurt and disappointed and even disillusioned because I have not seen my father restored, I have not seen significant changes in my step father that show God working in his life. I don't know why it seems that since I forgave my father it's been my relationship with my step father and the grief over his own retreat into himself that has torn my heart apart more.
Then God has begun to show me the deeper roots of my insecurities and tendencies toward going into self-preservation that always seem to trip me up. There is always that fear underneath all of our self-centered control attempts that we will not be loved. We all have been given by God the need to be accepted and loved unconditionally because He meant for us to bask in His love for us every second of our being, so that means that we've all had probably years of believing and experiencing the exact opposite, and that's just before we came to Jesus!!! Now I still have to deal with that tendency while knowing Him. There is a deep part of me that dose not know how to trust God and His love for me because situations that leave me very vulnerable to criticism, open rebuke, and blame have been happening to me at an increasing level and I feel full-force that fear that is present with that. It's unnerving. I know that the real issue is so much of my heart has never had a place in a father's heart, or experienced it to some degree only to have that dashed at an age that I needed it most. There is a little boy in me just wanting to know if I'm going to be loved even though I don't do everything perfectly and can be messy in my procedures(which is quite often either because i'm feeling self-concious and don't know how to focus or because I need time to process things and feel like i'm expected to do something at a speed or tempo that is not me and fear of rejection for not being good enough comes up). And he wants to know if his dad is going to be okay, and if he did something to cause all the rages and temper tantrums that he witnessed, and he wants to know if his step dad will ever come out of hiding or if God even intends to go find him and rescue him.
This is what I'm going through right now, all the while going through transition during my internship from being an orphan to a son and from a son to a father. God is up to something big, and I welcome all the fire and floods of testing that are coming my way because I know they are exposing things that are hindering intimacy with Him and my ability to truly love myself and others as myself. I have asked Him to make me as vulnerable as He wants to unjust accusation or criticism, not out of a selfish desire to be seen as pious but because I know that this is the only way I will learn to let go of those things and learn to rest in Him and love others with His heart. It's easy to love the hurting and broken that are not doing anything to hurt us, but are helpless and stir compassion in us. That's good and I love that, but loving somebody who berates you because you didn't cooperate with their own flimsy self-preservation system is no easy task, especially since I have a hard time putting down boundaries and being firm with people. The truth is I can't put down boundaries or rebuke somebody if I'm not free to, and the godly, biblical way to deal with conflict that Jesus taught requires an open heart, not a self-defensive, self-justifying one!!
Father, continue saving me from myself! Undo me and break me of my own selfishness and my own lack of trust in You!